I don't know...

...how to do everything that I want to do. I don't know how to be everything that I want to be. I guess I should join the army? That's what the commercial says. I don't know if that's for me. I can't even run a mile without complaining.

But seriously, I want so badly to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good cousin and employee and Sunday School teacher and Christian. I want to remember birthdays and mentor students and visit my friends who live far away. I am constantly overcommitted. If you know me at all you know that AT ALL TIMES I have something going on. I am on the school board, I teach Sunday School and children's church. I throw tons of baby showers and birthday parties. I get to work early and leave late. I babysit and make crafts for festivals. I am constantly running...arriving late with my hair not looking quite as good as I would like it to.

I feel like there is no way I can be a light to the people around me without being busy at all times. I can't slow down. There are babies who do not have Christmas presents. My cousin is sad and I need to visit her. I don't see my nephews enough. I do right now and have as long as I can remember had an intense feeling of GUILT following me around. I could have done better. I should spend time with my mom. I forgot to call the kids in my small group.

All this to say, I'm in the middle of this book right now:

And it is speaking DIRECTLY to me. I spent the first half of the book in tears because I know it's true. I know it is not my responsibility to make everyone happy. But I don't know how to be different. I desperately want to be able to relax and sleep at night without feeling bad and over-thinking things!

If you are in the same boat I encourage you to read this book. It's really speaking to me. I'm praying that I'm able to make positive changes soon. At any rate, I can't keep doing everything I am right now. I am completely overwhelmed. But I am happy to report that Jesus is not. Thank goodness.

"We have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable." - Emily Freeman

That Dr. Quinn has Good Taste

While watching reruns of "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman" the other night (please stop laughing), I realized something. Sully is my dream man.

I mean seriously? He's amazing...and here are five reasons why:

1. He's half native american. Think about it...this comes with a lot of handy skills. Walker, Texas Ranger was also partially Indian. Point made.

2. Because of this he wears a lot of fringe. This would free me to begin embracing my tendencies and would allow me to once again wear the fringe shirt I rocked in 5th grade....though quite possibly in a larger size. The red 'guess' jeans would be optional.

3. He is a free spirit. He is not all up in Michaela's grill telling her he loves her every 10 minutes. He has stuff to do...tomahawks to throw...animals to trap. He just comes to town every now and then and says "what's up girl?" They eat and hang out and then he leaves so she can be a doctor without texting him every three seconds. Okay, she didn't have a cell phone...but you get the idea. I love that.

4. He cares about people. He is always dragging sick people around and helping to save the Cheyenne's land. He is not mean to people who are different than him.

5. He is a man. He protects Dr. Quinn from creepers and wild animals. He makes his own clothes. He lives off the land. He has a dog named Wolf. I would love to think that whoever I end up with would be someone that I can feel completely safe around. Do you think she was nervous when she was attacked by that bear? No. Sully was there. He had his native american weapons. It was going to be fine. Must be a nice feeling.

I have actually loved this guy since I was about nine. He was probably one of my first major crushes. There is just something about a guy in the middle of nowhere...with crazy hair...living off the land. Other examples:

Brad Pitt - Legends of the Fall. Okay he's still a pretty boy. But I mean, come on.

Stephen Baldwin - Young Riders. Another early crush of mine...and there's that fringe again. I'm just beginning to realize that this may be a problem for me.

Robert Redford - Jeremiah Johnson. Okay, that's too far. Haha...this one's for you brother. Pretty sure Nathan would be this guy if he could.

*Disclaimer: If a guy wearing a fringe leather jacket with feathers in his hair walked into the office and asked for my digits I'm not sure if I would be excited or scared. But you have to admit...there is something about those wild mountain men that is appealing. Or is it just me??

This idea brought up another topic that I have been thinking about lately...involving boys (men?)...which I will discuss in a later post. I know, you're on the edge of your seat. :/

Imperfection is Okay

Since the summer season ended I have made it a goal of mine to show more love. I want to do what I can to build community with the people God has placed in my life. One of the ways I’m doing this is by having the group of college-age retreat staff from camp over for dinner/games every other week. Last night was the third time I have had this group over and we had great fun! There are probably seven or eight of us all together and it’s really casual…just hanging out and getting to know them a little better outside of work. I am always nervous about having guests over to my house for some reason. I just want everyone to be comfortable and have a great time. This usually equals me being stressed and talking too fast.

Even still, I really love these friends and we always have fun hanging out and laughing and making fun of each other. After they left and I looked around there were empty cans everywhere, napkins and crumbs on the table and floor. The couch cushions were misshapen and the sink was full of dishes. And I loved it. I love my house more when it is imperfect and loud and comfortable than when it is perfectly clean and quiet.

I grew up in quite a large family (I’m one of six kids).

Let’s be honest, our house was never perfect. There were dishes in the sink sometimes. There was laundry in the back hall. But I loved it there, and still do...because it is always full of love and laughter and fun. My siblings were (are) my best friends, and our house was constantly alive with silly skits that we made up or songs that we wrote. The living room was frequently turned into a movie theatre, a hair salon, a grocery store. My mom was the perfect lady to be a mother to a big brood like us because she was okay with a little imperfection. Maybe this is where I get the idea...

Houses are not made to be museums. What fun is it to have a couch that no one can use because you are afraid it will be ruined? I had a friend who had a car and because they didn’t want to mess it up they would never take it anywhere. Salt water at the beach would ruin the paint, long trips would put too many miles on it. This isn’t living in my mind! I don’t want anyone to feel scared to put a drink down on a table or sit in a chair at my house. Yes, I keep it neat and tidy, but I use the things I have. That is their purpose! Life is way too short to worry about little things. So invite people over! Use your glass dishes! Babysit your friend's kids and let them draw sidewalk chalk pictures all over your driveway. In my eyes, a little imperfection is beautiful. It means life is happening...and life is beautiful isn’t it?