Single Digits

Today I woke up in my little house. I made coffee (first things first), took a shower and then sat down to read my Bible before work. And I looked at the date, and realized I am 9 DAYS away from my wedding day. In 9 days I will commit my life to my best friend. I am 100% sure this is the right thing to do. I have sought God's will in this situation. I have prayed and listened and built a relationship based on love and respect. I know this is right...and I can't wait!

But last night, as I watched Gilmore Girls & ate chocolate on my small couch covered in a pink blanket, I realized...there are things I will miss about this chapter of my life.

I have lived in this little house by myself for five years. I graduated from college 8 years ago and since then, I have learned so much about who I am. I have poured myself into camp ministry. I have learned to make a house a home using almost all secondhand furniture and decoration. I have depended on Christ heavily when I was scared at night or had $20 to last the month or when my truck wouldn't start. I have had countless sleepovers with my sisters, had cereal for dinner, and decorated everything with the color pink.

I remember a couple of years ago (before I met Stormtrooper) crying and praying that God would send me a friend. Some weeks I would work all day, and go home to an empty house, without money for gas to drive to town. I would decorate, run, watch movies and cook. I remember Saturdays where I would look up in the evening and realize that I hadn't said one word out loud all day!

But there have been so many wonderful things about this season of "post-college single hood". There are moments that I will always treasure.

 My relationship with Christ became so much deeper during these years. I depended on Him fully. I talked to Him constantly. I learned so many things about being a single woman. I learned how to buy, repair and operate a lawnmower so I could handle my own yard work. I fixed my toilet. I changed air filters and hung wall collages and moved furniture over and over again to see how it worked in a space. I took hand-me-down furniture and changed it to reflect me. I learned to cook for one in old skillets and poured the food on to dollar store dishes. And I learned so much about who I am. I learned that we don't have to wait for a "right time" to serve Jesus and the people around us. I learned that if Christ is all I have...I have more than enough. I learned that if we are faithful to give even when we don't have much He will provide.

In a couple of weeks a bearded man will move into this little place with me. We will replace my tiny couch with a big leather one and my pink ruffled pillows with navy and burlap. We will watch action movies on a {much} larger TV and eat more meat and not turn on the heater as much in the winter. He will help me move heavy things and tell me everything will be ok when I hear noises at night and dance with me in the kitchen. I am incredibly grateful to have found him. I cannot wait to start our life together. I have wanted to be a wife for many years.

But I wouldn't trade this season of singleness. I am who I am because of the time that I had as an independent girl. These years have been an incredibly important part of my story, and there are things I will miss.

I just want to encourage you, if you are single, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. Don't live your life waiting for a spouse to come along. You have so many advantages. Use this season to pour into the people around you. Find out who you are. Draw close to Christ. Build community. I wouldn't trade the past 8 years to go back and get married at 22.

I think I will always be a bit of a wildflower. I was born with an independent spirit and I don't think that will change (bless my future husband's heart). It's just time for this wildflower to to put down some roots...next to a sweet, strong Oak tree.... :)

29 Years.

22 minutes. In 22 minutes I will be 29 years old. Can you believe that?? I know, to some of you reading this, 29 seems young. And I realize that when I hear 20 years old rant about how old they are getting I say to myself, "This little baby has no idea! Spring chicken!"

But it's hard to believe when you are here. When you are sitting on your bed at 11:38pm watching a Marilyn Monroe movie and all of the sudden you are 29. Where did the time go? It has FLOWN BY. Just yesterday I was 16...and 22...and 25. Today I am 29. Next year I will be 30. Just typing it out makes me nervous. 

And everywhere I turn someone is telling me: "you better hurry and get married! You are running out of time." Or, "when are you going back to school to get your Masters degree?" or, "why don't you put an offer on a house?" "Are you saving for retirement?" "You know you really can't wear _________ anymore at your age (fill in the blank - graphic tees…colored jeans…bows...)." Life is filled with people who think they know more than you do…people who believe I should be in a different place at this age.

But here's the thing: It doesn't matter what people say. What matters is that I am living my story. The story my Savior is writing for just me. 

I'm 29 years old. I live in a little blue rent house where spiders invade the porch no matter what I do and where the kitchen sink only drains when it feels like it. I have a rather large, rather rambunctious family who call me too often and who I would rather spend time with than anyone in the world. I have a boyfriend who has a Star Wars tattoo. Who loves me when I don't deserve it and makes me laugh every single day. I have a job that I love. I have a degree in English, and I work at a camp. I have no children. No pets. No will power when chocolate is involved. I sleep too much. I am usually upset before 10:00am. I wear jeans too often. I can't curl my hair. I bite my nails. 

And I'm happy. I'm so happy. I am healthy & have need of nothing. I am surrounded by love and laughter and scented candles. Life is beautiful. 

29 for me probably looks different than it does for many people. But that's just it. This life doesn't belong to anyone else. It's mine. It's my beautiful, wonderful, silly, colorful life and I love it oh so very much. 

Happy Birthday to me! Here's to many more.

Four Words.

I have been reading through the book of Isaiah lately. It's an incredible, powerful book. Over and over again these chapters talk about the justice of God. Justice is an important part of God's character. It cannot be separated from His love. He is loving yes. But he is JUST.

Tonight, as I read through chapter 8 of Isaiah my eyes stopped when I read these words in verse 10:

"Devise your strategy, but it will be thwarted; propose your plan, but it will not stand, for God is with us."

My heart began to dwell on that last statement: "God is with us."

God is with us.

Four words.

The power they hold. The truth. The assurance.

God (himself - the all powerful Creator of the universe)
is (not was - present tense. Right now.)
with us (you and I! Feeble, stumbling sinners. The least of these)

How can we move past these words with no emotion? As I read and dwelled on this statement my eyes began to fill up with tears. No matter what is going on in our lives...no matter how stressed we are or how many things are spinning out of control we can rest in that promise.

I am undeserving. I am grateful.

God is with us.

That's some good truth for today. 

Nothing Good About Goodbye.

I hate goodbyes...as mentioned in this post. I get really weird about them. I tear up and never say what I want to. I'm much better at writing than I am at talking. Today I said goodbye to some of my dearest friends...I mumbled something about staying in touch...but here is what I really wanted to say:

I decided right away that I wasn't going to like this guy. He walked into the office one day...a lanky, country man with his tiny pregnant wife and their small daughter. He started teasing me immediately - because I apparently gave them bad driving directions over the phone. Who would have thought that five and half years later I would be sitting in my truck, crying my eyes out because these same people were moving away?

I always think of our lives as stories. It's something I've done since I was a little girl. Today I'm sad...and I'm a little bitter...but I'm mostly just incredibly grateful that God wrote this family in as characters in my story.

God knew better than I did. He knew that I needed BJ & Farica in my life. He knew that I would need two people to love me when I didn't deserve it and cook me dinner and listen to me rant without judgement when things weren't going my way. Farica taught me to cook enchiladas and to say no when I wanted to say yes and that being a good wife and mom is more important than having a career. She brought me medicine when I was sick and didn't believe I was fine - even when I said I was.

BJ fixed my truck without me asking and came over on his night off to help me put Ikea furniture together and even when he teases me and makes me angry I love sharing life with him. He is the big brother I always wanted and never had.

I have seen two of their three girls come into this world and have watched them grow from tiny babies to little girls - with big hearts and contagious smiles. I have sang Taylor Swift in the car and painted nails and braided hair and danced to the chipmunks song and let them stay up later than they should because I wanted to spend time with them.

Selfishly, I want them to be my neighbors forever. I want to help Bella pick out a prom dress and see how BJ actually responds when a boy asks one of his daughters on a date. I want to see them at lunch every day and go to their Christmas plays and piano recitals.

But once again, God knows better than I do. He knows that it is time for the next step. He knows that there is probably another lonely girl somewhere in Arizona that needs a family to love her and teach her more about Him (even though I'm sure she will not be as cool as I am). I will miss this family so much! But I will not allow my sadness to overshadow the fact that I have been incredibly blessed by their presence in my life. I am better for knowing them and will always be grateful that God chose to write them into my story.

Set Your Heart at Rest

My dear sweet friend Lindsay (second from the left in the picture below - isn't she precious?) put this verse up the other day and it prompted me to read through 1 John 3 this morning.

"...we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." - 1 John 3:19b-20

Notice it does does not say if our hearts condemn us...it says whenever. I see this so often in my life and especially in my pursuit of a godly relationship. I spend so much time thinking about whoever my current "husband candidate" is...wondering about him and what he thinks about me.

My heart condemns me.

I convince myself that I will not be happy without him - or that I will never be enough for any man if I am not enough for him.

But praise God I can set my heart at rest in HIS presence.

I'm so grateful that He is greater than my silly, emotional heart.

I'm so grateful that I can step back and hear Him whisper, "you are enough."

"No man will love you like I love you."

"My grace is sufficient in your weakness."

The truth is, our hearts are going to condemn us. We are flawed, imperfect creatures.

When you feel irrational and emotional take a moment to speak truth over the lies that are filling your mind and heart. Rest in His presence. Praise Him for being greater than our hearts.

That's some truth I needed to hear today.

Too Comfortable.

I have lived by myself for a while now…and I'm pretty independent (hence the blog title). There are quite a few advantages to living alone. There really are! I have gotten used to being the only person at my place and sometimes I think I may be TOO comfortable. Do you know what I mean? Here are some examples:

1. Sometimes I talk to Jesus out loud…while I'm washing dishes or driving. I have to stop myself from talking to Him out loud at Wal-mart or work. Crazy lady. Aisle four.
2. Quite frequently I walk around my house partially dressed. I mean, it's true. It just happens. The other day someone knocked on my front door and I seriously forgot and almost answered it with my shirt off. Yikes. We've got to get that under control.
3. I never close my bathroom door. We can all understand why this is a problem in other places.
4. I have insomnia…and sometimes I wake up randomly in the middle of the night. I used to toss and turn and fight it and try to go back to sleep but at this point I just get up. I watch a movie…bake a cake…clean something. It's really creepy. I feel like my future husband/roommate would just be so confused if they came in the living room at 3am and saw me eating cereal and watching Gilmore Girls.
5. I sing. Really really loud. There is also dancing involved. It's serious. I mean, Mary J Blige is just something that you've really got to belt at the top of your lungs. I don't know if everyone would appreciate these performances.
6. Sometimes I leave dishes in my sink for days. That's awful isn't it? It's awful. I just hate to wash them. I put some soap and hot water in them and claim their "soaking." They're not. We all know they're not.
7. I eat really weird meals sometimes. I'm a lot like a teenage boy living alone in that department. Breakfast for dinner? Yes! Sugar free chocolate candies in place of lunch? Okay.
8. Most of the time when I try to do workout DVDs I end up laying on the floor and watching the people on the DVD work out. I just can't make it and no one can see me. No judgement.
9. I yell sometimes. At people on TV. At bugs I find. At the sink when it won't drain properly or the A/C when it makes a weird noise. I know they don't hear me. I know this. But I yell at them like they are people.

Just consider this a warning for the next person that lives with me. I'm sorry in advance.

Goodbye.

I have always hated goodbyes. I avoid them. I leave without hugging and crying and making it worse. I think it's too much pressure - trying to tie up years of memories and thoughts into a couple of lame, farewell statements.

"It's been so good to know you."
"You will be great no matter where you go."
"Etc...etc...etc...."

Nothing I say in those few sentences can really say what I want to say.

I want to stop you and say, "don't go. Just stay here. Don't make everything different. Don't force me to change; to move on; to invest in new relationships; to find someone to fill the gap you are leaving."

My life and the lives of people around me have been filled with goodbyes recently - farewells to people moving across the country and farewells to people moving from Earth into eternity. And it's difficult. It's difficult to watch. It's difficult to experience.

I long for the day when there are no more goodbyes. No more tears. No more pain.

But that day is not today.

So I will trust that God is faithful. I will remember that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. I will smile through the tears and be grateful for the time I had with them.

I will say goodbye.