Set Your Heart at Rest

My dear sweet friend Lindsay (second from the left in the picture below - isn't she precious?) put this verse up the other day and it prompted me to read through 1 John 3 this morning.

"...we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything." - 1 John 3:19b-20

Notice it does does not say if our hearts condemn us...it says whenever. I see this so often in my life and especially in my pursuit of a godly relationship. I spend so much time thinking about whoever my current "husband candidate" is...wondering about him and what he thinks about me.

My heart condemns me.

I convince myself that I will not be happy without him - or that I will never be enough for any man if I am not enough for him.

But praise God I can set my heart at rest in HIS presence.

I'm so grateful that He is greater than my silly, emotional heart.

I'm so grateful that I can step back and hear Him whisper, "you are enough."

"No man will love you like I love you."

"My grace is sufficient in your weakness."

The truth is, our hearts are going to condemn us. We are flawed, imperfect creatures.

When you feel irrational and emotional take a moment to speak truth over the lies that are filling your mind and heart. Rest in His presence. Praise Him for being greater than our hearts.

That's some truth I needed to hear today.

Too Comfortable.

I have lived by myself for a while now…and I'm pretty independent (hence the blog title). There are quite a few advantages to living alone. There really are! I have gotten used to being the only person at my place and sometimes I think I may be TOO comfortable. Do you know what I mean? Here are some examples:

1. Sometimes I talk to Jesus out loud…while I'm washing dishes or driving. I have to stop myself from talking to Him out loud at Wal-mart or work. Crazy lady. Aisle four.
2. Quite frequently I walk around my house partially dressed. I mean, it's true. It just happens. The other day someone knocked on my front door and I seriously forgot and almost answered it with my shirt off. Yikes. We've got to get that under control.
3. I never close my bathroom door. We can all understand why this is a problem in other places.
4. I have insomnia…and sometimes I wake up randomly in the middle of the night. I used to toss and turn and fight it and try to go back to sleep but at this point I just get up. I watch a movie…bake a cake…clean something. It's really creepy. I feel like my future husband/roommate would just be so confused if they came in the living room at 3am and saw me eating cereal and watching Gilmore Girls.
5. I sing. Really really loud. There is also dancing involved. It's serious. I mean, Mary J Blige is just something that you've really got to belt at the top of your lungs. I don't know if everyone would appreciate these performances.
6. Sometimes I leave dishes in my sink for days. That's awful isn't it? It's awful. I just hate to wash them. I put some soap and hot water in them and claim their "soaking." They're not. We all know they're not.
7. I eat really weird meals sometimes. I'm a lot like a teenage boy living alone in that department. Breakfast for dinner? Yes! Sugar free chocolate candies in place of lunch? Okay.
8. Most of the time when I try to do workout DVDs I end up laying on the floor and watching the people on the DVD work out. I just can't make it and no one can see me. No judgement.
9. I yell sometimes. At people on TV. At bugs I find. At the sink when it won't drain properly or the A/C when it makes a weird noise. I know they don't hear me. I know this. But I yell at them like they are people.

Just consider this a warning for the next person that lives with me. I'm sorry in advance.

Truth for Today.

Have you checked out my profile on facebook lately? You will notice it does NOT say “In a relationship with...” at the top. It pretty much never does. Honestly, I haven’t dated much. I’ve never seen much point in dating someone that I wouldn’t consider marrying...so...I’ve been in one long relationship and a few short ones, but I have spent the large majority of the last ten years as a single girl.

Go ahead...start thinking crazy things. No I don’t keep my toenail clippings. I’m not allergic to air. I’m not looking for someone perfect. I do wear a pink wig and talk in a ghetto accent from time to time. Is that a dealbreaker for some people? Maybe it is.

:)

The point is, I’m pretty good at being single. Honestly. I’m independent. I have always done things on my own. I like to read and journal and be alone sometimes. I’m from a small town and I don’t get bored easily. When my friends are single for one stinking week they call me and say, “I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!” Haha...it makes me laugh. I’m okay everyone. I’m OKAY.

BUT, there is something about winter, and Valentine’s Day decorations, and this stage of my life. Lately I have been feeling SO EMO. I don’t want to go home to an empty house and watch TV and cook for just me. I want someone to talk to for the love. I have a wonderful family and friends and meetings and activities. But it’s different. I look back at the one long-term relationship I was in and the thing I miss above everything else is having someone care. Care about how my day was or if something funny happened at work. Care about why I was upset. Care that I have a broken garbage disposal and no one to fix it. Someone to listen to my rambling and give me their jacket when I’m cold. Someone to bring me movies and ice cream when I’m sick. I miss that so much.

I am not writing this to bash my friends and family. They are awesome and I know I’m so blessed to have them in my life. I also know that my siblings and parents and friends have their own lives...with husbands and children and classes. It’s just different. I do know that I’m loved...so very much. Not only by my people, but also by the God of the universe. And that is incredible when you stop and think about it.

I just think...sometimes...that my flesh drowns out the truth that I know in my spirit. I long for that human companionship. I want someone to tell me I’m beautiful. It’s a constant battle. On some days I feel excellent. I’m grateful and happy. And other days? Other days I want someone to take me to see that new movie and remind me to turn off the stove.

God has really spoken to me this week through this quote:

“The great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.” - C.S. Lewis

I cling to that truth. And it’s enough for today.

The First Date.

This weekend I was watching “Why am I Still Single” on vh1. I know it’s embarrassing and I don’t know why I started watching it. I had a stomach bug and after two days inside you start watching whatever is on. Good news though: I will probably never watch it again. It’s so AWKWARD! They take these people with major issues, give them makeovers and send them on the most awkward first dates of all time. It’s painful to watch.

This reminded me of how much I hate the beginnings of relationships. I just strongly dislike the weird strained conversations and the way you are not sure if you like them or they like you. I annoy myself. I stress about my stupid hair and whether or not I’m going to trip or have something stuck in my teeth. “Um..so where are you from?” I accidentally interrupt while he is mid-sentence. I don’t know what to say! I talk WAY too much, and I probably mess with my hair the whole time. 

One of my very wise friends (shout out to you Kristie Martinez!) reminded me that every first date I go on could be my LAST first date ever. That really put things in perspective for me. I want so badly to be years down the road. I want him to know how I feel and finish my sentences. But this could be the only time that I’m feeling nervous butterflies for the first time. This could be the last time I hear his funny stories for the first time or hear him talk about how his best friend’s dad passed away and it made him cry. From here on out I will know his favorite color and middle name and life goals. I will never notice again for the very first time how good he is at winking, or how his eyes get big when he talks about something he likes. I should treasure these moments. Even if it doesn’t usually work out...it could. 

It could turn out to be this guy:

Or this guy:

 This could be my very last very first date.

And that’s worth a whole lot of awkwardness.

Warning: Sappy Girl Ahead

I am an adult. I'm not naive (well not THAT naive). I realize that men are not like movie characters. But it's difficult to grow up watching things and dreaming that they might be. Reality is not always a welcome friend. Every now and then I watch a great movie and I wish for a second that I could have one of those magical movie moments.

Today I wish...

He would understand without me having to explain it:

{Pride & Prejudice}

He would choose me over the prettier girl:

{Something Borrowed}

He would sing to me:

{Singing in the Rain}

{Country Strong}

He would be my best friend:

{Made of Honor}

He would dance with me:

{Hope Floats}

He would listen to my ridiculous stories:

{The Notebook}

He would believe in me when no one else does:

{Wild Hearts Can't be Broken}

He would kiss me in the rain:

{Sweet Home Alabama}

He would love me when it doesn't make sense:

{A Walk to Remember}

He would love me for who I am:

{10 Things I Hate About You}

He would miss me so much it makes him cry:

{The Holiday}

We would live happily ever after:

{The Princess Bride}

Wishful thinking I guess. I know life isn't like the movies. But I still believe that happily ever after is possible. And I believe I'll find it.....someday....

Life is Funny

I have become increasingly aware of the fact that my life is ridiculous sometimes. Last night I started compiling a list. You know how much I love lists! So here it is...

15 signs that you are moving from "cute independent single girl" to "old maid"

1. You consider dating someone you don't like just so they will mow your grass/take care of home repairs for you.
2. You realize that the only two boys you have kissed this year are your 8 month old nephews.
3. You learn that your ex-boyfriend's child has the same name as your fish.
4. Your family moves from politely asking, "seeing anyone new lately?" to practically begging, "well isn't there ANYONE YOU LIKE? Anyone at all?!"
5. Your guy friends (who are all in serious relationships) tell you that you are "running out of time."
6. You consider buying a cute new shirt but then remind yourself that you have nowhere to wear it and purchase running pants.
7. You have given up splitting recipes in half and then in half again to cook for one and have resorted to lean cuisine meals.
8. Your mom has begun praying that "this will be the year" and reminds you that she is praying in that direction every time she sees you.
9. You will go to extreme measures to leave a wedding before the bouquet is tossed.
10. You accidentally catch yourself talking to your plants out loud.
11. Your friends call you when they are single for once in their life and ask you "what they should do with all their free time?" and "how do you survive?"
12. You have to constantly look nice so people don't think you are depressed or have "let yourself go."
13. You stop suggesting baby names and wedding ideas to friends and family because soon there will be no baby names or wedding details left for you.
14. While taking pictures of your siblings and significant others, you family asks you if you would like to take a picture by yourself. Nope. Thank you though.
15. You have to stop yourself on multiple occasions from creating a fictional boyfriend when asked about it. Matt. He's out of town A LOT for business. He gave me this necklace. He actually moved to Russia. He was here this weekend! You just missed him. Bummer.

And yes, those are based on real life experiences. Haha...I am honestly quite okay with my place in life right now. I just thought some of these were pretty hilarious. My life is beyond awkward from time to time. I'm learning to embrace it. See the humor in it. One day I will be sitting on the couch with my favorite guy ever and he will read these and say to me, "Oh Abby. You are so funny and wonderful. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. Here is a Dr. Pepper and a house in the middle of a field of wildflowers." (Fingers crossed:)

In other news, I got an IPad recently! It was kind of a gift and I am kind of in love with it.

Oh IPad, you had me at hello...or rather, you had me at IKEA app :)

Love is in the Air?

Valentine's Day is right around the corner people! This has always been one of my favorite days. I just don't understand how you could hate a day where there are pink glittery hearts everywhere and chocolate is passed out. It's basically a combination of some of my very favorite things.

For some reason this year I'm not excited. I was planning a trip to Dallas to see the ever-beloved 'Pioneer Woman' at a book signing there, but had to cancel that trip after remembering that we had a board meeting scheduled here at camp on the 15th that I simply cannot miss. I was so excited about being there - or rather, about NOT being home alone on Monday night.

If you have spent any amount of time with me you know I am EXTREMELY independent. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I support myself completely, and handle most things in my life on my own. I am not 'one of those girls'. I don't always have a boyfriend and I'm fine on my own - honestly. But certain times of the year are more difficult than others to be a 26 year old single girl. Valentine's Day is just one of those days. I don't want to babysit. I don't want to stay home by myself, but even more than that, I don't want to go OUT by myself. I have found myself uncharacteristically emotional and aggravated about it lately. It feels like there is a flashing neon sign hanging over my head that reads, "HEY EVERYONE! I AM SINGLE! I WILL BE EATING LARGE AMOUNTS OF ICE CREAM AND WATCHING NICHOLAS SPARKS MOVIES AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT WHILE YOU GET DRESSED UP AND EAT AT A NICE RESTAURANT."

God continues to teach me that He is more than enough for me, and that I need nothing in addition to His love. Last Sunday the lesson for the youth Bible study I taught was over the book of Hosea. I love the prophets of the Old Testament. I am in awe of these great men and how they delivered very difficult messages straight from God without fear or hesitation. If you have not read the book of Hosea you MUST take time to read it. I actually teared up during Sunday School - just remembering again the redemption of Christ - the great immeasurable love that He has for us, His people. This love is illustrated in the love between Hosea and Gomer and it moves me every time I read it. The third chapter where Hosea buys his WIFE from slavery for fifteen shekels is a clear reminder that Christ paid the price for us. He considered us worthy of love - even though we don't deserve it. No man can ever take the place of Christ in my life; ever love me as fully as He does.

I am grateful for His love always - but forget to think about it sometimes. On this day, the day when love is celebrated, I choose to celebrate this gift. I don't have to have flowers or dinner at a nice restaurant to remember that I am loved beyond all that I can ask or imagine. I am forever grateful that the greatest Love of all touched the heart of little seven-year old Abby and said, "Be Mine."

Top 10 Requests from your local 20-something single:

1. Please do not try to set me up with everyone you know just because they are also single. Sometimes I wonder if people know me AT ALL. You want to set me up with a guy who loves beer and marching bands? Um...

2. Please don't give me pictures of your grandson. Does he know you're doing that? Really? Because I'm pretty sure he would be quite embarrassed.

3. Please don't introduce me to your single son/favorite guy ever/great nephew/neighbor by saying: "here is the girl I told you about!" This gives me the impression that you have talked me up. I now feel extreme pressure to smile and be overwhelmingly charming. This pressure, in turn, leads to me saying NOTHING CUTE OR COOL AT ALL. Yeah, that's going to work out. I'm so sure he wants to date the girl who just told him 25 interesting facts about Jane Austen.

4. Please don't ask me to babysit every Friday night. I reserve the right to go out with my friends or my brother or eat two gallons of chocolate ice cream. Just let me embrace that right.

5. Please please PLEASE don't pity me. Don't look at me sadly when someone gets engaged. Don't pat me on the back when my ex gets married. This is my number one request. Just don't.

6. Please stop telling me you 'have a really good feeling about this year.' I know you're not talking about a promotion at work.

7. Please stop pushing me out in the middle of a dance floor to try to catch a bouquet of fake flowers.

8. Please stop asking me to go places and then having random guys "accidentally" show up there and introduce themselves. I'm pretty sure this is just a variation of #1.

9. Please don't give me the phone number or email address of a lady you know who is 40 is single. I'm thinking this is supposed to be some type of encouragement but....let's just not okay?

10. Please don't invite me to your 'I hate boys' or 'Let's all wear black and be emo for Valentine's Day' parties. I don't hate boys'. I would like to date one. Also, I love Valentine's Day. You don't have to have a boyfriend to eat chocolate and wear pink. I mean, really.

Ah, the life of Abby. The fun never stops.

I went to a SUPER FUN wedding this weekend and saw some of my precious camp friends. Yay! These three girls were my roommates my first Summer at Zephyr. Room Six for life! :))) So good to see you girls!

One.

I'm really really REALLY tired of being alone. I know Jesus is with me...and I'm sooo glad. I talk to Him out loud all the time like He's just standing right there next to me. I'm actually having to work on NOT talking out loud to Jesus in public places for fear of people thinking I'm schizophrenic. But that's beside the point. The point is I need someone to talk to! Things have been really quiet at work so I feel like I just sit in the office and work from 8:30-5:00 and then drive a block away to my house and just hang out by myself until it's time to go to sleep.

Aaaahhhh.

I like being alone sometimes but I mean, I'm running out of options here. I read, I play the guitar, I run, I'm learning to cook, I write, I have organized and cleaned the entire house, I have refinished my furniture, I watch TV, I talk to my fish. I would like to (no, actually I must) save money on gas. Town is 45 minutes away so it's not like I can just run over there. My laptop is broken and cell phone service is terrible at my house. Things are just getting really LAME. Is it 1912? At least then it took them longer to make dinner because they had to kill the chicken themselves. I have no money, I'm in the middle of nowhere and last night I fell asleep watching Bonanza. Oh no.

Everyone says, "it's so nice that you are your own person...you have freedom!" I'm done with freedom. I want someone to talk to at night...someone to eat my food and tell me if it's awful...someone to help me hang pictures straight. Do you know how hard it is to hang a collage of picture frames by yourself?? Give me a break.

Lame lame lame.

To everything there is a season.

Today is beautiful. The weather is changing...moving us towards the glorious autumn season. Four times a year, when I feel the wind change and see nature respond, I think about life, and how it is so similar to these patterns we see around us. Shakespeare and many other great poets and writers talk about this idea often in their writings. The idea that our lives mirror nature's four seasons.

There is Spring - or birth. The beautiful time when everything is new; when we are seeing everything for the very first time. Then there is Summer - our youth - the carefree, breezy, wonderful time where our worries are few and the days are long. Autumn represents older adulthood. Things are slowing down, and shedding their summer leaves and blossoms. Winter is an ending; a beautiful quiet finale. I love this idea. Partially because I love nature so much I guess. 

I worry about aging. I think we all do. I'm turning 25 this week, and every birthday I automatically overanalyze my life. Where am I right now? Where did I want to be at this age? I am moving out of my youth/college years and into my mid-twenties. Where did the time go?! As a little girl thinking of myself at age 25, I envisioned marriage and babies and many things that I do not see in front of me. But today, as I walked in the last of the summer sunshine and felt the cool autumn breeze on my face, God spoke to me: "Enjoy the season." Don't look back at the Spring or beginning of Summer. See the beauty in where you are right now. THIS season. And it's beautiful. I am walking my road, living my story, and I know this is what my Author wrote for me...there is nothing better than being right here with Him - watching it unfold.

So embrace the season you are in - metaphorically and literally. Love life! Love the people around you without question. Take chances. Eat caramel apples. Make pumpkin pie. Be thankful. Choose to see the beauty in the present.

Manna...

Tonight I listened to a guy speak on Psalm 90...he mentioned something while he was speaking and it really hit me. It wasn't so much the point of the message; but I guess I had just never thought of it before.

When the Israelites were in the desert...travelling towards the promised land...God gave them manna (food from Heaven). They would gather it every morning. Tonight the speaker mentioned that God only gave them enough manna for that. particular. day. The only time He gave them more was the day before the Sabbath - when there was enough for two days. I have heard this before. I knew it. It just never resounded in me like it did tonight.

GOD PROVIDES FOR US.

Financially, emotionally, physically....He gives us what we need. Not necessarily more than we need....but exactly what we need...right then. I struggle with tithing. It seems like I'm barely making it most of the time financially; but honestly....when I tithe - first - before I spend money on other things, God provides. He really really does. It's not dramatic...just a few dollars here and there but it works out. He takes care of me.

What does this mean? It's simple. We can trust God. In every situation He will provide. He's faithful. When God says something He doesn't just say it. He will take care of us. So for me...in my personal life...when I feel like I CANNOT possibly make it through another week of camp...when I feel like I'll never meet the perfect person to spend my life with and be my baby daddy (haha...sorry I just wanted to write that word on my blog:)...when I feel like I can't afford to buy the things I think I 'need'....God will provide. HE WILL PROVIDE. In His timing; not mine.

I can trust Him fully. He keeps His promises. He is always sufficient. Always. That's some good stuff.